Sir Eldridge Dashing-stache adjusted his cravat as he stumbled through the frozen wasteland of Viking-era Scandinavia. He was weary from his jump back in time, but it was well worth it. He had 20 women on each arm as he walked back to his time machine, courtesy of Viking war lord Vigfus Frenzyfist.
Being that it was Valentine’s Day, and he was without a date, he couldn’t think of a better way to emasculate those mead-swilling barbarians than to go back in time and steal their women.
“Wait!” Vigfus cried from the distance, running after them with his war hammer held high “I am warrior king of all the mortal realm! No woman denies Vigfus Frenzyfist!”
But it was too late. Eldridge had already escorted them all into his time machine and set his sights for home.
For everything Vigfus’ had in physical might, he lacked in charm. Valentine’s day is growing ever nearer, and although I’m always for donning the horned helmet, hitting a heavy set of bench press, eating a steak straight off the cow and letting your inner viking show, Valentine’s Day is one of the rare times when it needs to be put away.
Men don’t hold doors open for women or help them carry boxes inside because they think women are not able-bodied. They do it because women, to a certain extent, deserve to be treated like a bunch of princesses. Valentine’s Day is the perfect example of this. I’ve never heard of a man going up to his bros on February 15 and swooning at the memory of the magical evening their girlfriend planned out for them. Valentine’s Day is a holiday for women, so if you want to do Valentine’s Day like a man, it means going all out.
Some people are probably rolling their eyes by this point. Of course they’re going to do something for their girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
That is not what I am saying though. I am saying that you need to blow her mind so hard, that she is scooping her brains off the walls once she sees what you have got planned.
I am not going to go suggesting specific things for people to do, because everyone is different and knows their significant others better than I do. I am, however, saying that it should be memorable, and that it can be achieved on any budget. All you need to do is put some thought into it.
Valentine’s Day is no place for Vikings. You’ve got to tap into your inner Sir Eldridge Dashing-stache. Wipe the nachos out of your beard, attempt to contain your beer keg of a neck within the pitiful reaches of a tie and show her that chivalry is not dead after all. She will be thrilled, and you will not regret it.
