How to Survive a Horror Movie

You and your friends are driving out to the lake one Friday night when somebody gets the bright idea to unplug the iPod and see what’s on the normal radio. About halfway through the second playing of some early 2000’s abomination that everyone over-enthusiastically sings along with to hide their shame and self-loathing, the ring of an emergency announcement interrupts the music. Sally “the skull-splitter” Saldino recently massacred every guard in the local asylum before escaping into the wilderness. In unrelated news, the local chainsaw emporium was robbed blind less than an hour ago. Everyone shoots each other nervous looks as you hurtle further and further away from society, but you aren’t really scared.

Jake Stiflescream is like your own little private island. It’s so still and quiet, you’d think people had tried to forget where it is. There won’t be another soul for miles. You’ll be fine.

You’ve unwittingly found yourself in a horror movie, and although everyone rolls their eyes at the foolish antics of countless buxom blonde plot devices as they practically hand themselves over to the bad guy, can you honestly say you’d do any better? The last time you were afraid for your life, did you boldly run into the face of danger, ready to give it what for? Or did you use the nearest child as a meat-shield as you begged to be taken last?

This guide will help you go from “that one guy who got gutted before the title screen” to Hoss Delgado, and make even the most methodical psychopath rage-quit like a noob.

The first rule of any undertaking in life is that proper planning prevents poor performance.

If you just know that the laughter coming from the abandoned doll factory every year on the anniversary of the night it mysteriously caught fire means that there’s a sweet party going on inside, make sure your phone is charged before you go in. This goes for just about any situation, at any point in time. Also, keep it on vibrate. Nobody wants to hear the first half a second of “Living on a Prayer” every time your hunny-bunny sends you a text. Furthermore, nobody wants the first half a second of “Living on a Prayer” to give away your group’s position to the axe wielding manic when it gets real.

Proper cell phone handling is the most important aspect of pre-bad guy reveal planning, but there are others. Always bring a bright, reliable flashlight if you’re going somewhere that you know won’t have electricity. If the beam only gives you a five foot circle of light while making anything in your peripheral vision look black as an inkwell in comparison, it’s not good enough.

Pn that note, if you’re inside, don’t even bother pointing it in front of you. Point it at the ceiling. Unless you’re in some massive room like a theatre or a factory, the light will bounce off the ceiling and light up everything. Imagine seeing Jason round the corner into a fully lit room, with your entire cast just standing there staring. You’d almost feel embarrassed for him. Other than that, stay sober, and remember that if a cold breeze is whispering horrible things in your ear, it’s not a good time to make out.

Now that you’re prepared, let’s say that your horror movie circumstances were absolutely unavoidable. The obvious solution is to head back to your car and get out of there, but maybe the engine is mysteriously missing when you try to start it up.

This is where the fun starts.

The first rule of post-bad guy reveal survival is not to run unless you’re sure that you’re running away from danger. If you sprint off into the woods alone at the sound of a cracked twig, you might be running straight into the unfeeling embrace of a cursed scarecrow. If you have a group, you all need to stay together and move slowly unless running will surely take you away from danger. If you’re by yourself, make the bad guy come to you. Maybe he’ll get tired and forget about his blood lust until the next full moon.

Now that you’ve sworn to keep your wits and not run away like a nancy-boy, you need to arm yourself, find a fortified location and call the cops on your fully charged cellphone. These can all be done at the same time, but arming yourself is the most important. Anything will work, but not all improvised weapons are created equal. Things like knives, bats, hand tools and metal pipes are the obvious choices, but you may have to get creative. By “creative” I don’t mean to tie your shoes together by the laces and use them as nun-chucks. However, if you have to pull the legs off of a nearby table for a few makeshift clubs, you can pay for the damages with your Town Hero grant after you’ve busted some heads.

Falling the cops is pretty self explanatory, and although finding a fortified location is almost as easy, it could still be explained further. Snuggling up in your tent with your sleeping bag pulled over your head will only buy you a few seconds while the bad guy tries to stop laughing. You need a solid structure that can’t be easily destroyed, and has a manageable number of entrances.

A house, cabin or small room within some larger building is ideal. If you found a gun while arming yourself, that’s great. Sit in the corner, aim at the door and don’t shoot until you know for sure you’re shooting at the bad guy. If not, it’s not a big deal. Just sit there and wait for the cops to get there, or for the killer to find you. Even if the killer finds you, what’s he going to do? At best, it’s one on one and you’re both armed. Channel your inner Macho Man Randy Savage and tell your masked psychopath that his lunacy is but a grain of sand in the vast desert that is your Macho Madness. Oh, yeah.

If all else fails, set something on fire. “911? It’s Halloween and a masked man is standing menacingly outside my front door” is much less effective at summoning emergency personnel than five calls saying, “Hey! My crazy neighbor just lit his car on fire and sent it rolling down the street!”

When the moon turns red and the laughter of small children starts to echo from nowhere, don’t be the first one to be offed. Charge your cell phone, switch it to vibrate, bring a flashlight, save the making out for later, call the cops, arm yourself, fort up, start a fire and punch a ghost in the face. Don’t believe the movies when the say you can’t punch a ghost. That is just ghost propaganda. If you get photo evidence of having punched a ghost in the face, you get a free t-shirt.